i was born on march 12th, 2002 at 11:50-something AM, a decision which many have criticised, in a hospital in cumbria county, england, and i'm yet to leave the country for any reason. my mother worked as a cleaner in a hospital for some years - once, she was cleaning out the offices of a few doctors who had recently arrived from south africa, and was accosted by a very large moth. a south african moth, which must have hidden away in one of the doctors' luggage and probably ate quite a lot of fabric while in there. she managed to chase it out of the window, taking care not to rub off the glittery substance on its wings which moths use to help them fly, and into the cool costal air of whitehaven. being used to south africa's climate, it almost certainly died very soon after. by the time she had me, she was mostly a housewife - although my parents never actually married - and my dad worked at a car rental and repair place. this would only last for about half a decade of my childhood, as eventually he'd come down sick and find himself unable to work. myalgic encephalomyelitis is a curious disease. its symptoms vary wildly, its cause is not understood, and there are no approved treatments. the long and short is that he finds it difficult to stand, exhausting to do anything around the house, and needs a wheelchair to go out of the house. my mother fares a little better, she can at least do things on her feet, but she's got her own host of issues. cumulatively they were on such high doses of codeiene that the doctors cut their prescription down for fear of complications, so they have to suppliment by buying CBD powder and mixing it into yoghurt. it's not ideal.
i go into so much detail because it's fairly integral in how i became the person i am. we're on welfare and cost the NHS a lot of money, and so i'm infinitely thankful for these programs and orginizations. the other half of the puzzle is the fact i was homeschooled, which, oh boy. homeschool kids are all weird, i knew a few online because our parents knew each other - my favourite memory is the one named mason. he got his head run over by a car as a kid, so he had a big dent in the side of his skull. he loved screaming anything offensive that crossed his mind, and once said, paraphrasing here, "I'm going to walk into the ghetto with a GTA V minigun and scream the n-word, then mow down any black guy who comes for me." his mother was a typical american middle aged christian libertarian, who posted "muh _" as a blanket response to any political disagreement. which was odd in retrospect because i'm fairly sure "muh guns" is (one of) the archetypal examples of that format, and she was very pro-gun. my mother only befriended her in the first place because she didn't understand that the american usage of libertarian is distinct from the european one, which is pretty funny. advice for life is to actually pay attention to the things someone thinks if your only connection is the presupposition that you agree. every once in a while i wonder what mason is doing, and i tend to resign that he's probably dead. it's a weird thought. - i'm not an exception. i learned how to talk to people and convey my thoughts externally eventually but it was a fight. as a kid, joining an after-school club to get some socialization, i recall spending about 20 minutes trying to come up with something to say to the "cool kid". it was something along the lines that he was cool like sonic (the hedgehog) and i wasn't, like tails (not a hedgehog). i went up to him and said it, then i said it another 4 times when he ignored me, until he eventually replied "I like Tails." it did not improve from there. i went through a phase starting at 11 where i wore a fedora everywhere, yeah i fucking know, and it didn't stop until i realised i was just doing it out of habit and it was actively embarrassing me. i did a lot of things in years past you can point to as super stereotypical autist shit. i remember being like 10 and huddling close to my CRT ready to press the off switch at like 2AM because i was worried my parents would walk in on me using the wii browser app to look at gay sonic fanfiction, i got really into runescape music videos despite not playing runescape, i think at my 9th or 10th birthday party at my grandma's house i was adamant that they put peanut butter jelly time on loop loud on the computer speakers so i could have a dance party with my cousins. they let it play uninterrupted for like 45 minutes at least and they all just left to the kitchen so they didn't have to be annoyed out of their mind, actually now i think on it it was the gummy bear song too, maybe there was a third. it can't have been crazy frog because when my youngest cousin heard crazy frog she'd start crying hysterically.
before that, i refused to cut my hair for a few years, or to comb it. it went down to my knees and looked like a bird's nest, and it only changed because i cut it by accident by cutting large tangles of hair off and then screaming when i realised that cutting my hair off cut my hair off. the rest came off when i had to chop it for hair lice concerns, how do those even spread anyway? who's patient zero for hair lice? if you told me school districts disseminate it themselves i'd probably believe it. that was the only year i ever went to school and it sucked, i didn't learn a fucking thing. i mean i didn't learn much anyways but at least i had a good time at home, school was loud and uncomfortable and we always did the first half of a lesson and then the teacher said we'd "come back and finish it", we never finished anything. not a single full coherent piece of curriculum was ever delivered to me, complete waste of time and money. i /am/ probably mildly autistic, for the record. i say probably because my parents never had me checked, and i've never done it on my own time, but they always kind of assumed. hyperfocus, toe-walking, general social oddity, etc. they read a lot of aspergers resources and i assume that helped them figure out how to parent me, they didn't do a terrible job all considered. i used to have pretty severe anxiety issues too, that fixed itself over time, but it was pretty fuckin bad. i bought overwatch near when it first came out, got scared of having to play online, played a bit of the training mode then never opened it again. i am no longer so sad a subject, i'm glad to say.
my first forays onto the net were under the name explodingpigeonworld, which isn't how you spell pidgeon but i hadn't figured out you could just google how to spell any word yet. my mom's shitty laptop couldn't run adventure quest worlds or roblox tycoons, let alone fraps or hypercam, so i recorded let's plays on a cheap camcorder. i watched a whole lot of old-timey something awful LP types. deceased crab, protonjon, my favourite was azureblade49, so i really liked the idea of romhacks but i never bothered to figure out what an emulator was. mainly i pointed the camera at my wii for mario kart and kirby's epic yarn. hey i should write about epic yarn that game's great, hell yeah. branching out from that i started getting really into "wacky" alliteration for monikers. jimmy jams, billy billington, timmy timmington, timmy /t./ timmington and you know for a fact the t stood for tim. i stuck with that last one eventually, and somehow found it strange when people called me tim. to me it was a silly username and that was self evident, i expected people to ask instead of taking at face value, but people don't have time for that, that's not how communication works. i rolled with it, in the end. i've kind of, blocked out is probably inaccurate but i don't have much reason to remember that era, i basically only associated with the clinically deranged and that doesn't do wonders for you. you know that like, tumblr-type communities started it, "fandom spaces", where you'd do weird shit with alt accounts to like, spy on your """enemies""" as if you have anything so grandiose in your life. it's very sad shit for a 30 year old to do but i was like 15 and surrounded by people who'd been living and breathing that (shitty) culture since they were like 11, so i fell in line. i also fell in line because when i expressed any inclination of differing opinion, so much as liking a game or song they didn't, they'd get really unironically mad at me. i remember deleting my first last.fm because they made fun of me for days straight for listening to a few kanye songs, i was an insecure lonely teenager, and kid, and infant probably. trace it back however far it probably lines up. it's around this time i got to be a mod for a discord server, that's right baby! i don't think it counts if the fedora phase and discord mod powers happened at different times, might still make me an honorary child molester. you know, ally to the culture and all, redditor extraordinaire - that's not true, i never really used reddit. i tried it just never clicked with me, format isn't my cup of tea, but then what is? i'm picky enough that i just made my own website, which isn't a super special thing, billions of people do that every day, but it's enough that it's something y'know - that lasted a couple years, anyway. i really can't overstate how unbearable being obligated to put up with the least charismatic, most oversensitive dipshits in the world is. oversensitive not in the like, political sense, there's a political lean to any use of the term a lot of the time, i just mean in the "can't take disagreement without bursting into tears" way. one time this cosplay bitch got super angry at this 30-something autistic guy for "stealing her idea" for like a kneepad style or some shit. went on a whole tirade about how cringe everything he did was and then left or got banned or whatever, and then she joined back on an alt to keep going for like a week until it became obvious what was up and she got bonked out, then again on a third but like, sneakily that time. who the fuck has the time for that? i wish i had that level of dedication to petty shit, i'd be like the robocop of posting. go online and pick a guy to spend the next 3 years fucking with at random, just completely ruin his life on a whim, he asks me why and i just start posting invalid binary and excerpts from the bible. commit social security fraud on him, frame him for terrorism, throw a brick through his window every other week. get a 3 year visitor visa, fly out to his country for a day once every 2 weeks, fuck up his mailbox at 2AM or something, fly back the next day. eventually he gets sick of my shit and blows my ribs open with a shotgun and i die gurgling out "worth it... lol... lmao..." through my own blood, he spits on my corpse and buries me in his backyard, eats some of my skin as vengeance, my family never finds out what happened to me until 2 years later when i rise up like christ and come back like nothing happened. repeat the whole process starting the week after
thought i was trans for a while, that didn't go anywhere. had an increasingly mopey like year and a half where those feelings built and built and then they just kinda dissipated and i stopped giving a shit. no fanfare no nothing, and no disrespect to anybody willing to hold that shit up. that said, popular trans culture online is kind of hellish - it's all validity-fishing and forced positivity clashing with violent misery and the usual uwu-internet cavalcade of death threats and stalking and doxxing and general oddity. i got sucked in because i was lonely and sad and desperate for that validation, and lo, here's a sprawling unorganized community willing to hand me it on a platter near unconditionally. i don't think that's good, i don't think it's a workable long term strategy. you need to have some respect for your esteem to avoid crashing out every time that external cutesy support falls through or the high of it runs away. if i had full autonomy over reality i'd make myself some kind of shadow creature that mankind cannot gaze upon for its form is beyond their ken, i've always preferred to lurk and observe rather than have to have a personality and structure my thoughts for others, which i'd argue isn't a good thing, but it's how i default. but as far as anything actionable i'm not so autistic to get on some xenogender train or whatever, i'm content being some guy online with a cock and balls and a bomb collar strapped on that'll kill me if i talk poorly of a disney property. just completely atomize my whole neck, upper chest, jaw, the works. red mist flying everywhere to the delight of pop vinyl collectors worldwide - that'll show that stupid fucking bitch to insult us, drooling neanderthal, try giving hulk 5 a 3 star rating in hell you fucking wastrel.
for the record, stefan isn't my "real name". i've liked the name stefan for years, it's what i named my XIV character character all the way back in like 2016. did i get the pronunciation from listening to on gp on repeat? no, but i might as well have. do i think the coolest sounding second name is belmont because i was playing aria of sorrow at the time? absolutely. do i internally imagine my second name being "dreemurr"? i am simply predictable, my man.